Here is the thing…
I have started over a lot, like a lot. For crying out loud, girlfriends and boyfriends, I have had so many changes happen in the last three years. The things I regret over that last year would be neglecting my blog, my lifeline and my passion… SO, I really am sorry I have neglected my blog and all of you amazing readers. I want to talk about a few things that have happened over the next few months, and I know I have shared but many of you may not know what has happened. Of course my favorite story involves a health and welfare check a week before I left (I used defenestrate with an AT&T rep after he was an ass-hat… it also involved using The Force to do so… I am not sure why he was so upset, but the State Trooper was awesome about it… excuse the typos, again… my damn phone… he he he)
One: The Cabin Goddess no longer lives in a log cabin, but the spirit is still within me. I will always be that girl lost in the woods of Alaska. Just now, I am broadcasting from Evansville, IN. Home of the 2nd largest street fair in October (haven’t been…. there are clowns… EEK).
OK I forgive them for that, but it is epic I am told. I don’t know much about this area, I have had my head in the sand here. Honestly I haven’t done too well, and I am still OK with that, because daily I work on it. I moved without thinking, but my partner of almost 13 years and I separated ways. We both care deeply for each other but it was time to move on. No worries, but no stories. It’s also is one reason I disappeared for so long. I didn’t know how to write about my life without talking about them. But like I have mentioned it was never my story to tell. Suffice it to say, they are doing amazing in Portland, OR and their bands are doing amazing and recording too. GO MY BESTIE… GO!
I will say, that I went through a period of not being able to read much. Though one of the things I cannot sleep without clutching or in reach is my Kindle (and ummm a stuffed animal, but that is another story). Lately that has changed. I have been binge reading and am also trying out Kindle Unlimited since I read well over three books per month, so it would pay for itself. Walmart had me as an employee for three months, but since they don’t accept doctors notes and the manager gave me chronic bronchitis, I was let go after four absences. I do miss the job, for as you all know I LOVE PEOPLE!!! (Yes I know lies but I do miss my customers big time).
Sitting here, I am trying to decide what to share, and what not. I want you to know I am working at being back. I have been writing in my book, been playing some video games, binge watching Netflix and still cooking. Trying to find love and learning to love myself. Speaking off… let’s talk about Mental Illness.
I was re-diagnosed with BPD (Borderline-Personality-Disorder) which sounds so MUCH worse than it is. Apparently more than 60% of all people diagnosed with Bi-Poloarism are misdiagnosed. BPD is not someone who has a bunch of ALMOST personalities, and I promise I will be talking more about it, however so you know…. It is about how we identify our mood swings. I identify now with how my grandfather saw things, as always identified with my grandfather easily. He saw things in black or white, never grey. Here is some easy and really loose explanations. My big thing is identified with my relationship issues and mood swings. I used to be a cutter, and my self-harming is identified in other behaviors. Now it is about identifying triggers and dealing with them without being out of control. Here is some other info for you all:
Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a long-term mental illness. It is a type of cluster Bpersonality disorder. People diagnosed with BPD are often very impulsive, and generally have a low self-esteem. Moods often change quickly. For these reasons, these people often have trouble keeping a stable relationship. Frequently, people with BPD also suffer from other conditions, such as clinical depression or they show self-harming behavior. Treating people with BPD is difficult, and is usually done using a combination of therapy and drugs.
People with BPD feel emotions more easily, more deeply and for longer than others do. Emotions may repeatedly return and last a long time. Because of this, it may take longer than normal for people with BPD to return to a normal and stable emotional state. This can have both positive and negative effects. People with BPD are often very happy and loving. People with BPD are also often sad and mad. They feel emotions in a stronger way than most people – grief instead of sadness, rage instead of being annoyed, and panic instead of being anxious. People with BPD are especially sensitive to feelings of being abandoned, being alone, and being a “failure”. They are often aware of how strong their emotions are, and, since they cannot control them, they sometimes shut them down entirely.
I am working hard at not letting identifying myself, but what it has been doing is causing tons of other issues. I am alone for the first time in my adult life. If it wasn’t for my parents I would not be able to be here, and be in the street. I have BPD, Severe PTSD (which has gotten changed for debilitating PTSD), Severe social anxiety, not to mention all my physical health issues. Am I complaining? Heck no, it is part of who I am. It is why my creativity rises and spills and makes everyone else’s world colorful.
What have I been doing? Learning to love, embracing a new cat who is a registered companion animal, Lady Lil’ Bug….
The Cabin Goddess is back, slowly. I would love to hear some feedback. Some book suggestions etc.. I have signed up for a couple blog tours. I am reading prolifically, and have to say Odette C. Bell who barely has a presence on the net, has been a wonderful find. Most of her series (of which are TONS) you can find each of her first book in the series free. TOTALLY WORTH IT. I am obsessed with her an a ton of new Urban Fantasy finds, so watch for it!! And NEW RECIPES!!! I promise I am here and though it will be slowly, maybe one post a week, I am back…. till then….
BTW…. remember it is not about if your glass is half-full or half-empty, it is about realizing your glass is refillable….